The Evil Dead vs the Resident Evil
by Jack Rhien
Summary: This is a story I did a couple of years ago, when I was practicing sharpening up my writing skills. ALthough it's not the most polished, it is still a very popular piece of work (namely because I was able to stick so closely to Ash's personality). It basi


My name is Ash, and I am man who's seen bigger crap then you could ever imagine. As some of you know, I am a man who found an ancient book in a cabin known as "Necronomican Ex Mortis", roughly translated, "The Book of the Dead". It was bound in flesh and inked in human blood. But enough about the book, lets talk about me.

About 7 years ago, I went to a cabin that was owned by a man known as Prof. Knowby. I went to the cabin with my girldfriend, Linda. During our stay there, I found those cursed pages and a tape recording of Prof. Knowby. He explained how he found the book. Also, he recited a passage from the book. It awoke an evil I never thought I would see. It took Linda.

Later on it came for me. My hand got possesed and there was only one thing I could do, and that was to lop it off at the wrist. I was able to stop the evil with the help of the Prof. daughter, Annie. Unfortunately, she didn't make it, and the evil came back. It came back Big time.

I went through a time portal and I ended around 1300 AD. I was "the man who fell from the sky and was destined to destroy the evil". Yeah, its a long title, but it gives me some recognition. I destroyed the evil of that time, but it wasn't destroyed completely.

Lately, I arrived in a new town, where the evil co-exists with another form of the living dead. I'll tell you how it goes.

It was exactly twelve years since that day. That day where hell came to the earth and they became the hosts of the party. I was having nightmares. They were nightmares of those deaths, invasions, and "exorcisms". They seemed like a normal nightmares at first, but they became more constant, and disturbing.

I had a new girlfriend. Her name was Jenny. She told me that I should go back the cabin and face my fears. Yeah right. "Fear" was an understatement of the hell I went through at that cabin. Still, I decided to give it a try. God, I regretted it.

I remembered I was setting up a fire.

"Fire. A savior and a killer. I wander if it's going to kill me? I thought there was more logs?"

I felt around for a log. All of a sudden, a log popped out.

"What the hell?"

I looked at where the log popped out, and there it was. My hand. It had another log in its hand. To make sure I suffered, it threw it right at my face.

"Oof!"

The hand lauged with delight. That SOB doesn't nead a mouth to taunt you, that's for sure. It began running to the table. It went towards something that I should have gotten rid of: the tape recorder. It turned it on and those words began to fill my head.

"No! You SOB! Your gonna burn for this one."

I ran towards the tape recorder. I tried to shut it off, but God was working against me. Either him or some other divine force that I didn't give a crap about.

"Aaaggghhh! It won't shut off!"

The words finished. I knew it was coming: the Evil.

I heard something. It was coming in the cellar. That couldn't be possible. I killed that thing before. Unless, it's Annie? I knew what I had to do. I went to my car to pick up my best friends. One was my shotgun (or my "boomstick", a name I gave to it for those primitive screwheads in the middle ages). The other was my chainsaw.

I went into the toolshed and removed my mechanical hand, another little gift from the middle ages. In turn, I replaced it with the chainsaw.

"Groovy."

I walked to the cellar and undid the lock. This was going to be fun. Slowly I walked down the stairs slowly. So slowly, I felt that I wasn't even moving. I looked around, looking for those remains of the girl that probably belongs to the evil. Then, in the ground, I saw something. It was the Kandarian Dagger. I reached for it and tried to pull it out.

"God, your harder to get out than a tick."

Right then, a hand popped out of the ground. Than a whole body was coming out. I looked at the face and recognized it right away. It was Annie.

"Somebody's been defiling my fruit cellar!"

"Don't worry! It's just me, Ash. I was wandering if you could give me a deadite to kill."

"When I'm through with you, this will be my soul cellar!"

"Sorry baby, but I'm already in another relationship."

She screamed louder than a banshee.

"Come on. Let's go!"

I pulled the cord to activate my chainsaw and got ready for a battle a hoped I could have stayed away from.

I readied my chainsaw, preparing to attack the demon who I knew so long ago. She stared at me, getting ready for almost any move I made. All of a sudden, I ran towards her. I swung the chainsaw, but I missed. She ducked rather quickly. I swung again, and she punched me. She punched me again and again and again.

"What is this, fisticuffs?" I said groggily. "Fight like a woman. Or a demon. Or whatever the hell you are."

She took a swipe at me, but this time I was ready. I chopped it off. She swiped at me with the other arm, but I chopped that off too.

"You know, you should read "A Farewell To Arms". You'll really enjoy it."

She didn't take that as well as I thought. For revenge, she kicked right between the legs. I screamed and fell to my knees.

"And you should hear the song "Red Rubber Balls"!"

I was panting. For my revenge, I gave her an upercut between the legs. Although, I forgot something.

"Nothing there!" she said.

She began to laugh and she kicked right in the face. I flew back a few feet. However, I wasn't going to let her get close to me. I took out my shotgun and aimed it at Annie. I was ready to fire at her if she even took one step. Unfortunately, there was another thing I didn't count on. The knife popped out of her back. All of a sudden, her neck got longer. This was not going to go well. Her neck shot out straight at me, whacking me in the face. She did this three more times and I finally had enough. I aimed the shotgun and fired. Right at the throat. Her head fell off the deteriorated body.

"I always was a pain in the neck."

She started to say something.

"I'll swllow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!"

"Swallow this."

I rose my gun and fired.

"Like mother, like daughter."

It was over, for now. I went backup stairs and fell to the floor. Aparently that fight took more out of me than I thought. I stared out in front of me. I saw two shoes. They looked like mine. Also the jeans looked like mine, too. Oh no. I knew who it was. I looked up, and I saw me. At least, my alter ego. The only difference between me and him is that he had two real hands. That and he was pure evil.

"Well, if it isn't me!" he said with a smirk on his face. "I see you finished a little bit sooner than I thought. Oh well. You can't stop me from my new scheme."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I said groggily.

"I found a new place where my evil will spread easily. There is an evil there that will be quite useful."

"No!"

"Oh yes!"

He kicked me in the face. Now I was less focused than ever. He was saying something. I remembered it. It was a passage from the Necronomican. He was going to use a portal to get there.

I saw the blue portal come up and I watched him jump in. It was smaller than last time. This was not right. Still, I had to stop him.

I got up with my last remaining strength, and jumped into the portal. I flew through the space-time continuim, or something like that. After that was over, I came out of the sky and I was falling. I landed on a lawn or something.

I rolled over on my back. I looked around. I saw a sign that caught my attention. It said "Welcome to Racoon City."

I laid there for a few minutes. When I finally regained some of my strength, I got up. I looked around this hell-hole of a city I was in. I thought it was barren. I thought that until I looked to my left. What I saw looked like hordes of deadites about a few hundred feet off. I looked closer and relized they weren't. They were something like them. Still, I knew I had to run.

I looked around for a good building to hide in. There was a notice that said that there was a shelter near by. I ran in the direction that it was pointing. I had to get there. I did not want to be dead. I ran as fast as I could. I needed to get to that shelter. About ten minutes later, I finally got there.

There were some people there. I walked up slowly and the people were amazed that I was here. They said stuff like "Who the hell is that?", or "Oh my God!". The usual stuff.

When I walked up to them, all I could say was "Oh thank God! People!" Then I fell to the floor.

"Quick! Get him inside!" Someone said.

I felt some people pick me up. I could tell they were running. At least they were trying too. The chainsaw I had was a lot heavier than my old hand. They put me on a bed. About a minute later, someone came up to me. He was in a suit. He opened my eyelid and used a little flashlight to probably check my pupils.

"Ahh! Turn that light off!"

He had a surprised look on his face.

"Well, he still has his vision. Tell me how many fingers am I holding up?"

He extended two fingers and a thumb.

"Do you want me to count the thumb?"

Again, he looked surprised.

"What's the date?"

"January 17, 1999."

"Who's the president?"

"Of what?"

"The US. What else?"

"The president of Ford, the president of Sony, anything!"

"Just answer the question," he said calmly.

"Clinton."

"He's fine. Just extremely aggitated."

"Hell yes I'm aggitated! I got the crap beaten out of me, I had to kill a demon, and my alter ego is here, trying to screw everything up!"

He looked at me. Than he looked at the four people who brought me in.

"Also, he apparently has delerium."

"You call these bruises a delerium?"

I showed him the one on my chest. It had the imprint of Annie's demonic head on my chest. Although, the imprint was partially gone. It looked a little swollen. Still, if he looked closely enough, he could have see the shape oh the head.

"I would say that does not look like a bruise. It looks more like swelling to me. Although with everything that's been happening around here, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt."

"Oh Jesus! Doesn't anyone believe me?"

I heard glass break. I stared at the cup that was shattered on the floor and looked at the person. Oh no. I got up and readied my chainsaw.

"What are you doing!" the doctor yelled to me.

"Look for yourself."

He stared at the person I was looking at. He turned around. His face looked fairly twisted. His eyes were white, and he looked paler. He was a deadite.

"Guys! Fire!" I heard a cop said.

Before they could even get their guns up, the demon ran towards the two men with their guns and knocked them out. He looked at the man who ordered them to fire.

"I'll swallow your soul!"

He began to run towards him. Before he could reach him, something went though his stomach, and that would be my chainsaw.

It yelled in pain as the little blades began to chop up his innards. I took out my shotgun and aimed at his head.

"Tell you what, I'll give you another shot."

I fired. Blood splattered around the room. There was even more on the cop. He stared at the body as I let it fall too the floor. He looked at me.

"What the hell was that!"

"A deadite. And you'll be seeing a lot more of them. It will be even worse if those zombies out there get possessed, or repossessed, which ever works out the best."

He looked at me.

"Well, it looks like we need to get to know each other, along with our enemies."

I told everybody my story. The deadites, the time travel, the girls... everything. They seemed to believe me. Yeah, at first I tell the survivors about them, and they don't believe me. Then they see one deadite, and they worship my knowledge of the deadites like I was as intelligent as Stephen Hawking.

Anyway, I got to know some of the people. The cop who I saved was Leon. He was a rookie for the force. The doctor's name was George. I wondered if he was skeptical about a lot of things or if he just hated me. My guess is that it was possibility number two. And of course, there were the lovely ladies. One of them was Claire. She was the brother of an expert cop that went missing. If he was such an expert, why did he disappear? Either he ran off or he got eaten by those, things.

"So tell me more about those things... deadites you said?" Leon said. He was more interested than I thought.

"Okay. Basically, they take over your body, use you for their bidding, and they send peoples souls to hell. Now you know everything."

"That's it? You don't know where they came from? When they came into existance?"

"They came around 900 AD. That's all I know."

"Okay. Now I'm wandering if those things are more deadly than those zombies."

My eyes opened wide.

"Oh no."

Leon stared at me.

"What is up with you? You did tell us everything, right?"

"Yeah, basically."

"Did you tell us everything? Tell me."

"Look, maybe I didn't tell you every little detail, but yeah, I basically told you everything!"

"What didn't you tell us?" He asked in an agitated tone.

"There's a crapload of those... things coming here."

"What! Why didn't you tell us that?"

"Well I did get the crap beaten out me earlier! That and I was "delerious"! Besides, I went rough hell to get here safe and sound! Would you remember a horde of zombies when you went through the hell I suffered?"

Leon just stared at me even more. I was beginning to think that was one of the many things he liked to do. Just like me when my girlfriend's posing for me.

"Oh, God. Well, we better get ready. If were gonna die, we'll fight at least."

"Fine. But be wary. Those deadites probably have a treat in store for us. They're probably using those zombie scum for hosts. I can imagine it now. They know that they're harder to kill. And they will probably know how to run when their possessed."

"Right."

"Tell me. Do you have any dynomite?"

It's been about an hour since I arrived at the shelter. Already I'm tired of it. It's gloomier than that cabin, it's more helpless than the middle ages, and quite frankly, there's a smaller chance of surviving than both the places combined. Oh well. My life sucked any way.

For a plan, we did the simple blow up buildings for a barricade trick. Also, we plan on crushing them. Will crush their bodies more than they crushed my spirit. If that's the case, it is gonna hurt like hell.

"Ash," Claire began to say to me. "Are you sure this will work?"

"Have I gotten possesed? Have I bean insulted? Have I saved the world twice?"

She gave me a dirty look.

"I'll take that as a yes."

I smiled.

"I know you hate me right now, but we'll be in bed together soon enough."

She rose her hand and was about to slap me. Having been in this situation before, I rose my hand and grabbed her wrist. She struggled, but she started to relax.

"Give me some sugar, baby."

She stared into my eyes, and her face began to get closer. I'm pretty sure all of you can guess what happen next. Although I will admit we didn't get in bed together. I'm not that unloyal to my girlfriend.

"Ash!" George yelled out. "Quit foolin' around and get over here!"

"Coming daddy!" I replied sarcastically.

Leon and George looked at me. I was beginning to think they were starting to hate me. If that was the case, I wasn't gonna give a crap.

"Ash, we set the dynomite-" Leon began to say, pointing at some points at a map. "-here, here, and here. I'm pretty sure that will work."

"Okay, but lets make one little change."

"What?"

"We'll put some dynomite right under them. So when the buildings fall on top of them, we can blow them straight to heaven."

He gave me a surprised look.

"Heaven?"

"They would be too comfortable in hell. We wanna make them suffer, right?"

"I'm beginning to think less of you by the minute."

"Everybody does."

About ten minutes later, we could see them.

"What the hell? Are they running?" Leon said in a surprised voice.

"Aparently they did take those zombies as hosts. Tell me, do they die as easily as humans?"

"No!" Leon said in complete frustration. "You have to get them in the head!"

"Uh oh. This may not work as well as I thought. Got I hope that explosion does the trick."

It was now or never, do or die, hunt or be hunted, be the cat or be the mouse... you get the idea. Leon, Claire, and I, along 50 of the 100 survivors, were getting ready to blow the scum to kingdom come.

"Officer," Leon said to an officer, "report."

"There are at least three hundred of those things. Odds are we won't make it."

"Great."

Leon had a major frown on his face. He knew he wasn't going to make it. That or he knew that he was going to be one of the few remaining people after this was over.

"Don't worry," I said. "You'll make it out. If you don't, I'll see you in hell. Seriously."

"Thanks for the encouragement," he said sarcastically.

It was tense. We were outnumbered about 6 to 1. After we used the dynamite, we would only be outnumbered about 2 or 3 to 1. Oh god, we're screwed.

"Here they come!" someone yelled.

They were about 10 yards away from the fixed building points.

"Don't blow the charges until I give the command!" I said to them.

The deadites came closer. 5 yards away. 3 yards away. 1 yard away.

"Now!" I yelled.

The bombs went off. The building crumbled and fell on top of them. They were crushed. Over the rubble, more of them came.

"Blow the rest!"

The bombs under them blew. Bodies went flying in the air. They were either blown to pieces or they had a head trauma that was as painful as getting kicked between the legs for 24 hours. After that, 50 more came. They were blood thirsty and POed. We fired at will. We had to make sure that they couldn't get past us. We succeeded, but we lost half our people.

"Poor guys. And I thought I would end up in hell first," I said.

"Don't worry, we won," Leon said.

Just then, my alter ego popped up.

"Really? I don't think so. You see, I still have a trick up my sleeve."

He snapped his fingers. The people, they began to transform. They became deadites.

"No! You-"

Before I could finish, he punched me. He began to laugh. Man, that laugh got so annoying I just wanted to punch him. And if I laughed like that I would punch myself.

"Yo!"

He stopped laughing and looked at me. I was getting up.

"Let's make a deal."

"I'm listening."

"We'll have a fight. If I win, you release those people. And if you win, I go back to my place and I will never interfere again. How bout it?"

He stroked his chin as if he was extremely interested.

"All right. You got a deal."

We engaged in a stare down. We were getting ready for the fight of our lives. Well, my life anyway. I would say he was fighting for supre power. Eh, who cares. It's all good.

He had a strange look in his eye. He did not want to go down. He was ready to cheat in any possible way to win. That was something I knew from experience.

"Ready to lose?" he said.

Reasy to die? Again I mean."

"We'll find out soon."

We both lunged forward and attemted to punch each other. Naturally, since we're both the same. We both punched each other, and we both fell to the ground.

"You broke my nose!" He said.

"You broke mine you son of a-"

All of a sudden, while I was getting up, hands came out of the ground. They grabbed my legs.

"What the-"

Before I could finish, my alter ego flew his fist right into my face.

"Oww!"

He gave me a few more punches.

"You're just like those inflatable clowns. You punch them and they come back for more."

He gave me another ounch. This time, I gave him one of my own. He staggered back and fell to the ground.

"You forgot they punched back."

I pulled the cord to my chainsaw. The blades spun around on the sheet of metal, getting ready to shred anything that touched it. I swung the mighty saw at the hands and they were detached from my legs.

"This thing really is handy. And I have got to stop with these corny jokes."

My alter ego got back up. He was not happy.

"That's it! You're going down!"

"What are you gonna do about it?"

He stuck his hand up and a fireball came out of nowhere.

"Oh crap. So you did learn a few more tricks.

He flung it at me. I dodged it by diving to my right. Unfortunately, it wasn't fast enough. My shrt caught on fire and I was trying to put it out. Those freakin' deadites were laughing like crazy. I finally put it out after doing stop drop and roll about ten times.

"My aim must be getting rustier than your chainsaw." he said with a chuckle.

He readied another one. this time he wasn't going to miss if he threw it. I was on the floor, he was five feet away from me, and no one was around, except...

"Your not gonna win that easily!" a voice yelled out.

All of a sudden, gunshots came out of no where. They hit my alter ego and he fell to the ground. He got up and looked at Claire and Leon.

"Your gonna pay for that! Get them my soldiers!"

The possessed men turned around getting ready to lunge at them. Unfortunately, they wouldn't get a chance. CLICK. My alter ego looked at the barrels of my shot gun.

"You got your last shot and I'm about to blow it away."

"Not again," he said quietly.

I fired he went flying back.

"You always seeem to forget I'm the guy with the gun."

The men began to change back. Some of them fainted, others just looked around them.

"Ash!" Leon began to say. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," I said rubbing my nose. "but I have been much better."

"Is their anything we can do for you?" Claire said. "I mean, you did help us."

"Yeah. Their is one thing you can do."

I grabbed Claire and spun her around. Then I said those words that always drove the women wild.

"Hail to the king, baby."

She kissed me.

When we were surveying the remains, Claire and Leon came over.

"Quick question?" Claire began to say. "How are you going to get back home? I mean, you're miles away from a safe point and you need a plane to get back to your home. Odds are you won't be able to get out safely and you won't get a plane."

"I don't know," I said. "but I'll find away.

A portal came out of nowhere right behind us.

"What the hell?" Leon shouted. "What's going on?"

I saw my alter ego. There was a burn on his face and a lot of wholes to go along with it.

"I'm taking care of your travel arrangements. Another stop to a location of hell."

"What the-" Leon said.

"I said I would let the people go. I never said anything about making sure you all suffered.

"I shot you in the head!" I yelled.

"You seem to forget you need to dismember the deadite before he dies."

"That's it!" I yelled. "You're going down once and for all!"

I ran towards him, ready to swing my chainsaw, but he ducked when I swung, and he grabbed me by the neck.

"Never play with sharp objects!" He said menacingly. He threw me into the portal.

"Noooooooooooo!" I yelled.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Now this place is mine!"

"I don't think so." a voice said.

"Hmmm?"

He turned around and saw Leon right before Leon tackled him and they both went flying into portal.

"Ash! Leon!" Claire yelled out.

She attempted to jump in, but two officers grabbed her, and the portal closed.

"No! We have to find away to save them!" she yelled.

"It's too late. There gone." an officer said.

Back to me. Once again, I went through the space-time continuum and fell to the floor. I really need to practice my landings. I laid there for a few minutes. All of a sudden, Leon cam out about a few feet to my left. He was yelling until he fell to the ground.

"Oww! God, how do stand that?" he asked me.

"First, I try not to think of anything. Second, I brace for impact. Third, I get ready for the fact that I'm in another hellzone."

"God. It must suck to be you," he said chuckling.

"Yeah. Now where the hell are we?" I said getting up. I looked around and saw a sign. It said "WELCOME TO CRYSTAL LAKE".

"Oh no. God no! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

To Be Continued...


End file.
